“I can’t ask you to do what I’m not willing to do myself.” My mom has said that and lived by it for as long as I can remember, and it is one of the greatest lessons in life—and in motherhood—that I have learned from her. She has always set high standards for herself—reasonable, yet high—and whenever I have struggled to give myself grace, she has reminded me that making mistakes is a part of life. It’s how we learn.

Growing up, my mom and I were incredibly close, but she was never my friend. She was my mom.

• She told me, “no.”
• Her “no” meant something.
• She was, “The strictest mom in my grade!”
• She didn’t waver when I said, “But everyone else gets to do it!”
• Sometimes, I had to earn money to buy things I wanted, so I could learn the value of a dollar and hard work. (No, I didn’t get an allowance.)
• I didn’t always get everything I wanted, but I had everything I needed.

I’m an external processor, and she was always there to listen to my endless stream of thoughts—without judgment. I could ask her anything. And I did! You can imagine all the questions I had during middle school when I was hearing new things from other kids. When I shared things that needed professional attention, she listened—and believed me. Then, she made sure I got professional care. She was my greatest advocate and supporter.

Side note: My dad was my biggest cheerleader at sporting events.

My mom cheered too, but her voice is much quieter.

Anyone who was there can vouch for this!

I’ll never forget the time in high school when I got caught lying to her. Instead of yelling at me, which would have been totally justified, she simply said, “I’m disappointed in you. I thought we had a better relationship than this. Trust has been broken, and it will take a long time to rebuild it.”

My heart sank. She was speaking a truth about relationships that I would carry with me forever. It was a hard lesson, but it was an important one.

Being a mom is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do because I’ve never cared so deeply about doing something well. My mom set the bar high, but she also kept it simple—

• Be the example.
• Listen without judgment.
• Love with everything you have.
• Advocate for your children.
• Don’t give them everything they want.
• Make your “no” mean something.
• Allow your kids to make mistakes, and gently remind them that’s how we learn.
• Most importantly, always be there for your kids. Always.

She has loved me through my hardest moments, always reassuring me that I am never alone. My freshman year of college, I was struggling. I told my mom, and she responded by sending me an encouraging card every single day. Not one day went by without her support. She’s the reason I made it through. Even in my darkest moments, I would think of her and keep going.

Even at 41, my mom is always here for me. I don’t take this for granted. I lost my dad suddenly when I was 20, and could have lost my mom that same day. Every moment I have with her is precious. Since my dad’s passing, I’ve either called, texted, or seen my mom almost every day.

Once I became an adult, my mom became my very best friend. It happened naturally—she never forced it. One time, we were talking about something she was excited about doing. I encouraged her, and after our conversation, I apologized to my advisor, explaining that I had been talking to my mom. My advisor was shocked and said, “I wish my daughter would talk to me like that.” I didn’t say anything, but the truth was, I wanted to tell her, “I’m talking to my mom the way she’s always talked to me—with love and support.”

As moms, we do our best. And it’s hard, especially because we care so much about our children. You can do everything “right” (though what is right, really?), and still not have the dynamic you hope for. But please don’t give up. I know I hit the jackpot with my mom, which is why I want to share the things I think she did to shape our relationship into what it is today. Hopefully, you’re already doing some of these things—or maybe you’ve learned something new.

My mom isn’t perfect—close, but not quite. And you know what? I do some things differently with my own children. She lets me. Without judgment.

She’s always said that every phase of parenting has its challenges—phases you’re glad are just a phase and others you’ll miss. You must have faith because so much is out of your control. Do your best. That’s all you can do.

Wherever you are in motherhood—whether it’s loving other people’s children, being an aunt, praying for motherhood to come, grieving your mom, or navigating the trenches of parenting—I hope you take a moment to learn from my mom about living and loving well.

Note: This is one of my favorite pictures of us. Little did my mom know at the time, I was pregnant with my first little one. I was about to embark on the greatest journey of my life standing beside the greatest example of motherhood.