We’ve all heard the phrase, “Your past doesn’t define you.”

I disagree.

It’s meant to be encouraging. It’s a reminder that your mistakes, failures, and painful experiences don’t have to determine your future. However, I think we’re asking the wrong question.

In reality, your past does define you.

Every experience you’ve had has shaped the person you are today. Your upbringing, DNA, relationships, successes, failures, disappointments, and triumphs have all contributed to your perspective. Even the books you’ve read, the music you’ve listened to, and the conversations you’ve had have influenced how you think and who you’re becoming.

The real question isn’t whether your past defines you. It’s how you’re allowing it to define you.

Too often, we define ourselves by our worst moments. We carry shame for mistakes we’ve made or pain that was inflicted upon us. We let those experiences become labels instead of lessons.

What if instead of being hard on ourselves or living with shame, we learned the lessons?

Many years ago, I did an exercise which completely changed how I viewed my own story.

At the time, I saw myself as a victim. I carried shame that wasn’t mine to carry, and it weighed heavily on my heart.

One day, I sat down and listed all the ways my victimization had impacted me. The paths it had led me down. The lies I believed about myself. The painful truths I had accepted as my identity.

Then, I imagined I was having a conversation with a friend.

I asked myself, “If someone I loved believed these things about themselves, what would I say to them?” I crossed out every lie I had written and replaced each one with a truth. I wasn’t pretending the past hadn’t happened. I wasn’t rewriting history. I was rewriting the meaning I had assigned to it.

Instead of defining myself by what happened to me,

I chose to define myself by what I had learned from it.

That simple exercise helped me see my story differently.

Today, I want to challenge you to do the same.

What’s one belief you’re holding about yourself that deserves to be questioned? If a friend came to you carrying that same belief, what would you tell them? Be that friend for yourself.

Your past will always be part of your story.

Make sure it’s defining you in a way that helps you become the person you’re meant to be.